IF.

Two simple letters
Make a huge difference.
What if?
When if?
If only,
Only if!

Life is full of ifs.
What if I held on
A little tighter?
A little longer?
Tried harder?
Spoke louder?

Would we still be together?
Would we've lasted?
Who knows?
Only had I ifed?

If I stood my ground
When temptation came?
Would I be the man
That you knew & loved?
If I seeked shelter
When lust rained?
Would I have
Your respect gained?

After everything is said
And done.
Lessons learned
And hearts burnt.
I now know
Before anything is done
I ask myself
If???

Today

A new day has dawned.
A restart, refresh, the crisp morn.
What today holds,
Only ticking hands & rotated digits will unfold.

Today just maybe the day,
The mega ball rolls my way.
Or even yet my,
Wandering eyes won't stray!

Probably work will be easy,
Hopefully stress free.
My boss may call me with praise
And also give me a raise.

Go spend some quality time
With the great family of mine.
Get my hair clipped.
Or just clean the whip.

Probably head to the pub.
Eat some wings & drink a bud.
But its not yet daybreak,
And I'm not yet fully awake.

So as I begin to stir
Memories of yesterday are all a blur.
Looking ahead for a great day.
As always I get on my knees to Pray.

Lifetimes

There are times
When you wish
Things were different
And you had met in another lifetime.
But I met her
I knew her in that lifetime.

A lifetime ago we were friends, play dates.
You were more than that girl and
I was just that boy.
But time moved on
You went away.
Years later is when we reconnected.

I'm glad that I know now
What I know, because
Back then we were to young to have a clue,
To understand and appreciate.
What we thought we knew.

All grown up in every aspect.
Your body is now proportionate to your head.
But I've got to ask your mom
What she's been feeding you all those years?
Because. DAMN!!!!
Brains, beauty & figure beyond.

So here we now stand
No longer boy & girl
But man and woman.
Lives lived, lessons learned
& at a point
When actions speak volumes.

I take you by the hand,
Embrace you tightly
I can feel your heartbeat.
As I gaze into your soul
& whisper words never before uttered from me to you,


I Love you,
I want you,
I need you.

this is me.

This is me
Here I stand
All alone
Simple & humble.

To thy own self
Always be true
Do you really know me
Like I want you to?

God fearing
God praising
Religious maybe,
Spiritual definitely.

I have past hurts
With deep cuts.
Cynical nature
Nonchalant demeanor

True passionate lover,
Not a fighter, but hopeless romantic.
Counselor, comforter.
Totally family oriented.

This is me
Here I stand.
Take me as I am.
Flawed, but true.

Tell Me!

Tell me
How you feel.
What you need.
Tell me!

Tell me
You are in like with me.
That I'm the one.
Tell me!

Tell me.
You are happy.
That you are pleased.
Tell me!

Tell me.
I messed up.
That I can do better.
Tell me!

Tell me.
You love me.
You are committed.
Tell me!

Tell me
To open my eyes,
To unlock my heart & let you in.
Tell me!

I'll listen!

Where am i?

Within this existence of humanity, there lies a destiny.
My destiny.
It is to be fulfilled, it was prophesied.
A home, family built on love, trust, God.
Where is it? Why haven't I achieved such?
Only empty walls & stained bed sets.
I must change this way of being, living.
Unfulfilled.
I put down & cast away the demons, that occupy my space.
Its not what I want for me.
I deserve so much more than this.
I keep thinking, wanting to believe that
'Yes this is the One'
But you weren't, nor were you.
But she, the one, the true one, the right one, the only one
Is out there, waiting for me to
Cleanse myself, my soul, my aura of the past.
So I embark on this journey of purification & waiting.
No longer looking, seeking.
It is time to get my act together.
So here I go
God! Its in your hands now.

No not you.

You played me!
Crept into my heart, head, bed.
But you weren't into me, the way I was into to you.
Only repetitive one-nighters.
For your selfish needs & desires.
'Let's do this, go here'
But only in your time.
When you were ready.
Damn I see it clearly now.
I must admit you were slick.
Smooth, never saw it coming.
But you did it.

You made me your Bitch.
(You showed me, Me)

Too Soon...

It is too soon, to feel this way.
To be at this point, thinking about the future.
I hardly even know you, nor you me.
I know your body better than I do your mind, your heart.
It feels as if for decades we've been friends.
But reality is real.
We conceptualize images of what would, could be.
But deceiving ourselves is all we did.
Yes it feels right, but its not the best thing for either of us.
So before the point of hurt and disdain occurs.
We sever ties.
Having a mutual respect & admiration for each other.
Knowing what we had was fleeting but special.
You do you, I'll do me.
If in the future circumstances change.

May be, just maybe.


But right now, its too soon!

Disarmed

Disarmed
Captivated by your smile,
Lost in your intense eyes
The moment our four made one
You spoke so softly, saying hi.
A blind man can see what I saw
That thing, that thing that makes
You abandon all else.
Weakened knees, buckling
Under your gaze.
Heart rate intensified
Palms sweaty.
Its cold out but,
I need a cold shower now.
I’m lost, but know exactly
Where I am, no GPS can find me
So lost in your soul.
Chemistry beyond science
A model of a model.
As we sat there conversing
Seems as if you read the transcript of my life
And I had read yours
Knowing the pains, joys,
Loves, likes, wants and needs
Life has given us
Connected on a spiritual
Emotional, mental level
As if we were once
One soul.
Soul mates? Probably, possibly, hopefully!
Only God knows and time will tell…

Goodbyes

I was never good

At saying goodbye!

Why? What made me so?

Was it what I saw when I was young?

Multitasking lovers and friends.

Or was it knowing that,

There was always someone next to replace the ex.

Whatever the reason

I have done you wrong, yes I’ve done wrong

Disregarding people’s emotions and feelings

Just because I didn’t feel the same way again

Lost interest, found a new interest

Didn’t care.

So to the endless end-less relationships

Sorry things happened the way they did.

Sorry I hurt you, caused you pain.

Made you shed tears

I know I knew better

But my selfish ways caused such results

Not all ended badly, in most cases

We became better, even best friends

But in order for me to have a successful relationship

I need to have closure

Closure not in the sense of terminating friendships

But ending the awkwardness, the inability of civil conversations and encounters

So I say to you

Thank you

I’m sorry

Goodbye

PRIDE

Pride

Rolls revered, places traded
You in charge, control and I along for the journey
Looking at the plate, waiting, wanting, yearning to step up to it
But I’m limited by circumstances
Not being the man I can be or used to,
With an already tarnished ego now dented, damaged
The trend continues and I feel more at peace with it, being a kept man.
But upset with me for letting this persist
Thoughts of being a gold-digger, user, player, plays on my mind
So I do what any self respecting man would.
Put an end to this misery and your night stand, next morning awkwardness.
Thanks but no.
Heartfelt and honorable are your intentions, but my pride wont let me
Use you, play you.
Though I can't let you know it, pride won't let me show it
You deserve so much more because I love you and respect you.

Q-TIP

As a younger guy I had this thing about clean ears.
One day my dad saw me cleaning my ears and proceeded to tell me
'Son you are holding the key!'
I was at a loss.
He asked me how does my ear feel?
I said really good.
Do you know how the qtip feel?
I said prob the same.
He then explained
That men are like qtips and women are like ears,
Deep complex and sensitive.
If you use the qtip properly satisfaction will be guaranteed.
Not all qtips are the same size or quality.
Remember now the ear is intricate. You can hurt it if you are not careful.
Always ensure that there's cotton on the end, if its not there, you can cause brusing.
But a good qtip comforts, while protecting itself.
At the end the tip is dirty but the ear is clean and comfortable.

Thanx dad, lol.

SIX MONTHS

Looking at the date, Its Aug 15 2008.
6 months ago it was Feb 15
A date forever stamped in my memory.
The day heaven got an angel
The day I lost you.
6 months gone by
6 short yet long months dragged by.

Selfish I was, not wanting God to take you home
But he called and you answered.
Grieve and morn was all I could do
For your departure was unexpected
Asleep, peaceful, at rest you looked in the hospital bed,
my eye bloodshot red,
I couldn't believe that you were....

Technically you were my client.
And I was your caregiver/taker.
But you were so much more to me.
A friend, a brother. A loved one.
Being there for you, with you, was a blessing,
on what was to be your last night, had I known I wouldn't have closed my eyes.

Knowing that you are in a better place, space
The pain doesn't seem so great anymore I tell myself.
The void will always be there and no one nor anything can ever replace you, the bond that grew over three years.

You have Gone away from this life
But not the hearts of the people that love you.
Your mother, father, brother, me.

So on this day 6 months ago.
Your caretaker helped the undertaker.
A farewell fit for a king. Speeding along I85 - 285.
Dressed in your racing gear.
I wished we didn't have to rush to your final resting place.
Where now a stone that reads 'son, brother, friend' marks the spot where your body lays.
But I know your soul is once again whole and you are at peace.
I miss you so!!!
R.I.P. Kurt R Sumner

Retired

Lifestyle choices
Or Natural forces
Womanizer & player,
Total skirt chaser.

Never spent a night alone
House was never a home.
Never an empty bed
But not the type to wed.

Found some, no many
To call baby, but not wifey.
Till one day the game
Had to work hard for a name.

She stopped his heart
For her he fell apart.
She had a mind of a lawyer,
Balanced, cause she was a libra.

Old friends were texting
All because he stopped calling.
Time went by, he's thinking
About question popping, wedding planning!

Vows spoken
Rings & names given.
She had a confession
"Soon your name will live On"

Happy with life
Enjoying his wife.
Baby on the way
No more wanting to stray!

Temptations came
But he's out of the game.
Happy, comfy, content.
From the game, enjoying his Retirement!!!

The Ones

The one
The ones
The likes
The loves

Girls now grown
Engaged, single, married
Special friends
Oh so special back then.

You showed me
Taught me
No, I wasn’t slow
Just wanted more…

Crept and sneaked
So your husband, family
Boyfriend won’t know
Secrets hid even to today

Best friends didn’t know
His sister, his girl,
Even my girl’s home girl
And so!!!

The Ones
Cheated on, cheated with.
Never caught, often accused
Until it happened to me. Damn

The relationships,
The quarrels, the fights
Never physical always resolved
The make ups, the break ups

The hurt, the pain
The stress, the pitfalls
The laughs, the tears
The gains through it all.

Mislabeled a player
No, just a researcher
For the right one
For the future wifer.

So to the Ones
That were, that weren’t to be
That lasted, never ended
The Ones that helped me become a better me.

I’ll never forget you!!!

She...

here in my arms

She drifts in and out of sleep

looking, peeping actually to see if it's real, but

if it isn't She doesn't want to lose

this feeling Spiritual, emotional

somewhat indescribable feeling.

She reaches for my ear lobe, implying

I want more without uttering a word, a sound.

i pause before i kiss her lips.

The lips She conceals the lips I explore,

vertically and horizontally

reveals moist pleasures kept deep within

as these moistures escape to the surface

a moan a groan signals the arrival.

with a grin so wide, content She is.

knowing it's real She drifts off to sleep again…

Wanting more.

Kick it friends, buddies was her proposal
Rejected it was.
What type of gentleman would he be?
To accept such an offer
No strings attached. Any man's dream, but he isn't just any man.
Not in this day of 'you are the baby's daddy'
True commitment he suggested, offered
Hesitation was initial leading to acceptance and agreement
They fell in like, growing, bonding, waiting.
Waiting for what? The inevitable,
The point where like transforms to love
It crept up faster than they expected, hitting them hard, knocking them out.
But they knew it was just a matter of time,
As the butterflies didn't fully develop. Stunted in the pupa stages
The love was genuine but neither were in.
Things fell apart just as quickly as it started
But love in any form is unconditional, permanent.
So as long as she knows that piece of his heart will be tattooed with her name
They will be homies and friends

Rantings of a Serial Gemini

Everyone is different
Yet the same
As for me being different is being sane
I love hard & not at all
The two co-exist in harmony with in
For I'm at ease with such a decision
Simple Complexity and Complex simplicity
Or is it Simple simplicity with Complex Complexity?
I want to love you tenderly yet I want, must have my space
I wish you'd understand me, but even me,
Don't get me, my moods, attitudes.
Both sides know that there's a difference in,
Loving someone and being in love…
Being in love is the ultimate sacrifice,
Breaking down, letting someone other than yourself
Into the inner sanctuary.
Violated before, the walls are re-reinforced against your attempts.
Yes I love you, but I love me more so,
I let you in only so far
Keeping your every move under surveillance
Not wanting to repeat the question of
¿How did you end up here?
Limited are the calls, emails, texts, sex, time
All in order for self preservation and sanity.
But the heart and the heads don't communicate
As the sun rises over the headboard, I turn and say
"Good morning love, slept well?
As I ask myself "damn how did you end up here? Again?"

Woman

Woman

Mother, Grandmother,
Sister, wife, lover, Friend.
Depended upon & Independent
Super Woman.

You give birth, life
You nurture because it's your nature.
Discipline and guide.
Teacher, motivator, counselor.
Beautiful, educated, intelligent
Classy and somewhat bossy.
Respected, appreciated, admired

Curvy, shapely.
Thick, thin, short, tall.
Skin tones vary
Perfect imperfections, flawed.
Faces made up, mani & pedicure tight.
Grow it, cut it; bought it, yes the hair is yours.
Enhanced, reduced, perky, saggy, natural
Always a source of comfort

Sometimes abused, rejected, neglected, and taken for granted.
Name called. Labeled.
But always taking care of business.
You achieve, survive and succeed.
The family glue, secret keeper.
Support system

WOMAN
I thank you for being who and what you are.
I truly appreciate & love you!!!

Cycle/Circle

Not again would I let you in I tell myself Not again will I let me feel that hurt I tell myself the last time was the first time And the first time would be the last time The pain was worse than death, It lingered, the moments, the memories. I did, I loved you, wanted you, and needed you. But you didn't recognize my love, true love. You were so blinded by yourself, Your past hurt. I didn't care about that. All that mattered was the present, the future, our future. The fear on your face when you heard The unspoken words of my heart. Woman, be mine, be with me, love me, yes me! Scarred we are from the past But love our love can heal the hurts. Scarred and scared you retreated till you were Ready or so you thought. You didn't know this was real But the power of true love not lust frightened you You, you walked, then ran away draining the contents of my heart Never again I tell myself, Never!!!

No Cure

No Cure…

Rushed in
Admitted! Poked, probed, tested
Professional diagnosis
Incurable, untreatable
Heartbreak.
No asprin or vodka can heal this inner pain.
Caused by the loss of you.

Gone, no goodbyes, no thank yous, no I'm sorry
No nothing. Just your last breath
Heaven called you home and you went
You didn't ask if I wanted to come too.
But you are at peace.
In the broken entity of my heart you will always live.

Gone, no words, no reason, only empty closets
Home is now a house
Where memories, laughter, and love once lived
Now silence is amplified through these walls
No message of I'm good, safe, nothing.
From a lover, friend, should've been life long partner
Is it something I did, said, didn't do???
Nothing but a broken heart, memories and dirty laundry
You left me with
But I will survive, move on eventually
Hoping, wishing that you know I do love you
Until such, I seek a cure for this bleeding broken heart

I love you, miss you.

Like a Thief

Like a thief in the night

worse yet, in the day light

her pictured smile so innocent

oh so harmless.

She said 'i like your profile'

side shot or page layout

of which did she refer?

'But i see you are in a relationship,

so i'd leave you alone...'

little did she know that was

just a front. One couldn't be more

Single. yes single was my reply, i'll tell you not a lie

that was a subconscious lure/deterrent.

Who knows why my status was so set.

But her appeal, intrique was so much more,

Especially with a tease of restriction to

her privately public or her publicly private display.

exchanges are made on instant messenger

but personal prohibitions remain

time passes as it is doing now

damn it, there it goes again.

But as in the real world

fairy tales don't exist yet

mental anguish persists.

Was it real or a figment

emails, ID unknown phone calls prove the latter

was wrong, but still... Gone.

I guess getting your heart robbed

is part of wanting to be a hearthrob.

the emotional chaos lay in her wake

but a step away i must take,

until

until

until then... the search continues.